THE BRONX, NY: Early this morning, residents of this Bronx neighborhood recieved somewhat of a shock, having been given a stiff reminder that we were better off when we didn't know that there were other forms of life in the universe.
Our story begins last night, during the final episode of Amigos Feo, when
a large, green, ugly spaceship entered orbit above the Earth--U.S.
Government officials have stated that it just "Showed up out of nowhere."
This spaceship orbited the planet once, then fell into the atmosphere at
about 10:00 this morning, onto a neighborhood just slightly East of
anything important, to crash directly onto an old apartment building.
(Ironically, this building had originally been built in the 1950s as an
aboveground fallout shelter; Its beams of reinforced steel extend several
hundred feet beneath ground level.) The alien craft was stopped rather
effectively by this building, the only structural damage being to the
apartment of a third-floor tenant named Guy Freznick.
A local homie had
this to say about the crash:
Yes, little green men had emerged from that spaceship. And they were
annoying. So annoying, in fact, that they were mugged and their lunch money was
taken away approximately 22 seconds before Government officials arrived on
the scene.
It was quickly learned that human beings were on this alien
spacecraft, as well-In fact, one of them had evidently owned the
ship. A teenager, whose given name was Robert, had apparently saved up all
year working part-time after Evil School to buy the spacecraft; Needless to say
that he was angry about it being fused inseparably with the building's frame.
We didn't get a chance to talk with Robert, as he claimed he had "Some legal
issue to deal with," apologizing as he was hauled off to a secret Government
office (Down on 42nd Street in Manhattan).
Another of the humans on this crashed spaceship was an aspiring young
professional who refused to reveal his identity. He had the following to
say when questioned about the incident:
The professional refused to answer further inquiries. He quickly hailed a taxi and headed to the nearest law office to bring lawsuits against everyone he could.
Another tragedy had occured amidst the chaos; One tenant of this apocalypse-resistant block of apartments was a young custodial engineer. Chuck Flemwas, the only casuality of the incident, had sustained minor injuries in the crash. Following the incident, Mr. Flemwas (Pronounced "phlegm wars") was evicted by his overly-paranoid superintendant, who had blamed him for the crash.
